Beware-this is not a feel good post. It is from my heart and what I have been struggling with lately and what God has been teaching me. It is hard for me to be totally transparent on here not knowing who really is reading, but here I go...
I am a sinner. Yes I am. I struggle just like all of you. Lately I have been plagued with the thoughts of where we are now. When I say "we" I mean Daniel, Eli and I (oh and baby # 2). I can't tell you how many friends & family members we have that have just bought a house, are buying a house or already have houses, steady good paying jobs, new cars etc. They have 401k's and money in savings. When they want to go out to eat or take a vacation...well they do. I am not saying these things are good or bad, but I find myself (often) asking God why we don't have those things. We have a 16 year old beat up car and an 8 year old car that has seen better days. I feel like we throw money down the drain every month with rent, and if we are being honest here struggle to pay our bills each month. It's not that I REALLY want all of those things, but it is just hard at times to see other people with them.
Then I am reminded (how in the world could I be so stupid to forget)...We are following God's call and He has a plan for our lives! He really does. It might not look like what we think it should, but He does have a plan and He is sovereign. He has taken care of every single one of our needs. Who cares if we have all those things anyway. We can't take them with us. No we don't live lavishly (in American standards but compared to the rest of the world we do). We're not buying a house anytime soon, or a new car (although I do wonder how it will be with 2 babies...but I know people do it all the time!) Following God's call means laying down your pride, selfish flesh desires, giving up things well lets be honest...that are just so dang hard to and standing before the Lord saying, here I am. Lord I want to serve you whatever that might mean. For us now that means seminary and raising support. Oh how many times we have been on our knees begging the Lord for support while in the same breath praying for His will to be done. The Lord never said "take up your cross and follow me and it will be easy". It's been a crazy journey so far with a whole lot of heartache, laughs, loves, teaching moments and much more.
So as I struggle with this bare with me...my jealousy creeps in and I start questioning God why this? and why that?
Thank you Lord for the blessings all around me. For taking care of our every need day in and day out. Lord, may I (we) grow and trust you more daily.